So, young person, you’re envious of the super hip people who you’ve seen around? The self appointed intellectual determiners of what is good, fashionable, and even morally right. The ones who are in fact brave enough to be like their friends and be individual. The ones who look like they’ve been dressed by a gender confused, colourblind grandparent and have had their hair cut by a heavily-intoxicated, psychologically scarred Northerner who was attacked as a child by a fringe. Well of course you’re envious, what after all is there to not be desired about them? They get to take the moral high ground, to attempt to fit into their sister’s jeans and mother’s make up and, oh yes, they get to have that hair thing that looks like the love child of a mullet and a labradoodle.
Well luckily for you I have compiled a step by step guide to being one of these pussywhipped trendfucks like you always wanted to be. I can do without the thank you cards, so thanks but no thanks, I do like cars however.
Lets start with shoes. The only valid shoes are either Converse, skate shoes or those plimsoll things. Any form of trainers, boots or anything else is an allegiance to the oppressors in society. In an ideal situation you can say someone has touched these shoes who really matters. For example there’s this singer who you won’t have heard of, you’re too mainstream, and if he touched them that would be good. Good luck finding him. Or maybe you could get a mainstream artist like Mumford and sons and get them to touch from when back when nobody had heard them and they were just a tribute to Freddie Mercury, the Kaiser Chiefs and Mercyful Fate called ‘Kaiser King Queen’. Nowadays they’re sold out.
Moving further up the body we get to trousers. Unless you’re wearing a shirt on your legs. In which case I’m torn between wanting to tell you that you look like a twat and telling you that because you defy mainstream expectation you are an intellectual genius. But for those of us who can’t realistically be that non conformist we have to look at skinny jeans or chinos, which must also be tight fitting. The reason for this is because it shows that we are willing to conceal our repress our gender which makes us the greatest men of all. The men who want to be men are simply trying to compensate for not being men in the first place. They are secretly jealous of the indies and hipsters of society, who don’t need to try to be men because we already are. Deep down inside with all our emotions and stuff. Never let anyone tell you that skinny jeans turn you into less of a man – John Wayne wore jeans and look at him. We’re just like him really.
For the top half of your body you need a knitted jumper like ones that people wear at Christmas. Even in the sweltering heat of the summer. Its one of those sacrifices you have to make, after all the jumper is a symbol of how socially we are all knitted together and can unite and fight the powerful people and the capitalists. Don’t unravel the jumper just because its the summer. Because if you do then you unravel the people too. So even in the summer, be strong and wear the knitted jumper thing. Think of the sacrifice you’ll be making.
Follow these simple guides and you’ll soon be the superior being you always wanted to be. You can look down on fans of any music that isn’t your own, people who are dressed in any conventional or mainstream way and the entire brutality of the capitalist system where education is free and the oppressors give us freedom of speech. Sick bastards. There is after all nothing wrong in being a supremacist. We are supreme. Its totally like not ok like for any other pseudo political group to say that as they’re just one of them, man, them – the people who think what society wants them to. You can tell they aren’t supreme from what they are wearing. It is our clothes that gives us our power. Now you know how to be us, so do it and do not conform or obey.
I'm just throwing this in as a bit of an afterthought, and I'm not using the Hipster character I created in order to write this, but I think if you enjoyed this and like a nice bit of angry punk then you ought to go to youtube and search for 'Cheap Sex Fuck Emo'. The band being called 'Cheap Sex' and the song being called 'Fuck Emo', for those who think I'm trying to get them to encounter some bizarre youtube friendly porno featuring very shallow emos as the pornstars. Its a very good song and a very good band, and if you dislike these elitist social groups then you may well like the song.
Well luckily for you I have compiled a step by step guide to being one of these pussywhipped trendfucks like you always wanted to be. I can do without the thank you cards, so thanks but no thanks, I do like cars however.
Lets start with shoes. The only valid shoes are either Converse, skate shoes or those plimsoll things. Any form of trainers, boots or anything else is an allegiance to the oppressors in society. In an ideal situation you can say someone has touched these shoes who really matters. For example there’s this singer who you won’t have heard of, you’re too mainstream, and if he touched them that would be good. Good luck finding him. Or maybe you could get a mainstream artist like Mumford and sons and get them to touch from when back when nobody had heard them and they were just a tribute to Freddie Mercury, the Kaiser Chiefs and Mercyful Fate called ‘Kaiser King Queen’. Nowadays they’re sold out.
Moving further up the body we get to trousers. Unless you’re wearing a shirt on your legs. In which case I’m torn between wanting to tell you that you look like a twat and telling you that because you defy mainstream expectation you are an intellectual genius. But for those of us who can’t realistically be that non conformist we have to look at skinny jeans or chinos, which must also be tight fitting. The reason for this is because it shows that we are willing to conceal our repress our gender which makes us the greatest men of all. The men who want to be men are simply trying to compensate for not being men in the first place. They are secretly jealous of the indies and hipsters of society, who don’t need to try to be men because we already are. Deep down inside with all our emotions and stuff. Never let anyone tell you that skinny jeans turn you into less of a man – John Wayne wore jeans and look at him. We’re just like him really.
For the top half of your body you need a knitted jumper like ones that people wear at Christmas. Even in the sweltering heat of the summer. Its one of those sacrifices you have to make, after all the jumper is a symbol of how socially we are all knitted together and can unite and fight the powerful people and the capitalists. Don’t unravel the jumper just because its the summer. Because if you do then you unravel the people too. So even in the summer, be strong and wear the knitted jumper thing. Think of the sacrifice you’ll be making.
Follow these simple guides and you’ll soon be the superior being you always wanted to be. You can look down on fans of any music that isn’t your own, people who are dressed in any conventional or mainstream way and the entire brutality of the capitalist system where education is free and the oppressors give us freedom of speech. Sick bastards. There is after all nothing wrong in being a supremacist. We are supreme. Its totally like not ok like for any other pseudo political group to say that as they’re just one of them, man, them – the people who think what society wants them to. You can tell they aren’t supreme from what they are wearing. It is our clothes that gives us our power. Now you know how to be us, so do it and do not conform or obey.
I'm just throwing this in as a bit of an afterthought, and I'm not using the Hipster character I created in order to write this, but I think if you enjoyed this and like a nice bit of angry punk then you ought to go to youtube and search for 'Cheap Sex Fuck Emo'. The band being called 'Cheap Sex' and the song being called 'Fuck Emo', for those who think I'm trying to get them to encounter some bizarre youtube friendly porno featuring very shallow emos as the pornstars. Its a very good song and a very good band, and if you dislike these elitist social groups then you may well like the song.
I spend a fair amount of time in London, and particularly in some of the natural habitats of the Hipster. I'm not sure I've seen any in Essex though...do they travel this far?
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