Wednesday, 25 January 2012

The Teen Wolf: and how they can be Simultaneously Weak and Dangerous

If you’d asked someone before this century to list words associated with ‘werewolves’ you may have heard words like ‘brutal’, ‘vicious’, and ‘evil’. These days you might however find a list of totally different words. Ask a impressionable young teenage girl who has read the Twilight series or other such knives in the back of prose, and the list might in fact read as ‘sensitive’, ‘emo’, and ‘romantic’. Now you wonder why this is concerning, surely the dimming down of traditionally violent fictional concepts is a good thing for society? No. No it is not. Allow me to explain why.
I am writing with the view to evaluating werewolves as entirely fictional concepts. Yes, people have in the past held sincere beliefs of lycanthropic men terrorizing the good people of their societies, France’s Gilles Garnier for instance was accused of being a werewolf. But aside from historical anomalies, werewolves are usually confined to stories which are intended to be told to children. Werewolves carry with them an important tradition in children’s stories of being the violent antagonists, which is a purpose which seems to be more and more suppressed these days. In the world of political correctness and red tape, nobody seems ready to defend to ancient tradition we have of letting kids know the ugly truth. It is apparently better to tell them a comforting lie about the world. I’ll demonstrate my point with the example of Cinderella.
Now many people base what they know about Cinderella on the Disney film. I hate Disney. I cannot stand it whatsoever because they have destroyed children’s stories, like this one. The people who base their knowledge around the film must have got the impression about the world that mice run around making dresses for people, that everyone sings what they are doing as they do it, and more concerning is that they don’t know the part of the story where the ugly sisters cut away parts of their feet in order to try and wear the slipper that doesn’t fit them. Yes that’s disgusting, but there is a purpose to the inclusion of this in the original myth as it outlines the folly of trying to fit any kind of ideal that you are not. There is not even a way that anyone can validly argue that this is not the case. Think about it; we live in a world where plastic surgery exists. People literally cut pieces of themselves away, reshape themselves, and have plastic fixed to their body. Anybody who wants to tell me therefore that a story that tells children that it is better to be happy with their appearance than to cut bits of their body away to fit an ideal is anything but a positive thing may as well not bother because they are wasting their time.
So violence and gore does have a place in children’s tales. What is the alternative, after all? Tell children that the world is a bouncy castle where unicorns fart out gold and the lemonade is free? No. By the same token I would say that violent werewolves are important part of our folklore.
I would like to further this argument with the claim that modern interpretations of werewolves as soft are dangerous. This will seem absurd until I outline exactly why I think this, however by the time I have concluded my point I cannot see any feasible way that people can debate this reasonably with me. I am right.
In this world where the term werewolf, tragically, can refer to the like of ‘Jacob Black’ and other such characters, you wonder how their example can be anything but positive. However by having something like a werewolf as a character that is soft you are creating a monster that the juvenile readership can relate to. The entirety of Twilight and all its characters are essentially an emo’s wet dream. They are dark, weak and reclusive individuals with teenage-esque hormonal super sensitivity to emotion. A far cry indeed from the Lon Chaney Jr ‘The Wolf Man’ type of werewolf. The kind of monstrous werewolves of these old films and literature were not relatable to. So the danger of the soft werewolf is that the readers will relate to this and put into practice some of the more dangerous aspects of Lycanthropy. In the typical Twilight/teenage manner, these children see the acts of the werewolf when the moon is full and how their lack of control and lust for evil is justified, and use their own perceived lycanthropy as the reason for their own faults. This sidestepping of responsibility is directly caused by their capacity to relate to the emo wolf characters of such works of modern werewolf fiction.
This sounds like a contrived theory, and from simply reading it on paper I wouldn’t be convinced by it either. However there is proof of the danger of these teens seeing themselves as wolves for all the world to see. You may or may not have heard of ‘teen wolves’. If not, then look them up. Yes, they are just as ridiculous as you imagined. For those who can’t be bothered – they are a subculture prominent in the states in which emo/scene tendencies are taken to the next level and these teens believe that they are part wolf. Therefore presumably also part whiney, emo, ignorant freakfuck too. For whatever reason (poor parenting, poor parenting or poor parenting, take your pick) these children are allowed to walk the streets wearing dog chains, spiked wolf teeth and animalistic contact lenses.
Ok, so you say its simply a harmless teenage phase that these teens go through? A modern adaptation of the ‘goth kid’ every yeargroup in the school has known for years now. A phase it may be, harmless however it most certainly is not. Anyone familiar with ‘Wolfie Blackheart’ will know this. Oh yes, and the clue is in his/her name, (I am still unsure about its gender, so lets call it an ‘it’) it has been influenced by the modern, pussywhipped, weak werewolf ideas. Well Wolfie is a dog murderer, no the police never proved it but it did it. It is responsible and I don’t care who wants to defend it. It is a teenager who clearly feels that because it is ‘part wolf’, and I mean the wolf of fanny-dom not the wolf of brutality, that it is justified in having done so. I will not outline exactly what Wolfie Blackheart did here as there is plenty of information on the web about the incident. So I apologise for the vagueness that this article offers about its crime. I recommend ‘Youtube’ as being a good starting point for you getting yourself acquainted with these teenage trend. This dangerous teenage trend.
Now, I believe in the freedom of art. So I do not suggest prohibiting the creation of these works of pseudo, attempted literature and emo wankbank films. If I did then I’d be as much of an idiot as those involved in the John McCollum/Ozzy Osbourne case. An interesting point would be to consider the nature of the monster in Mr. Osbourne’s song ‘Bark at the Moon’, and consider how many teenage sub cultures this has influenced. None. Oh and guess what – the wolf is a soulless, vengeful, killing machine. But art has to be free. That does not mean however that if you are a good parent then you will allow your children to become obsessed with these emo-trend, fuelled works of fiction. If my son came home with an emo piercing or, worse still, a teen wolf dog chain, I would find the person who sold then the piercing and jam it in their eye, or if it was the lead I would strangle the fucker with it. I would then correct my child’s way of thinking. That is the parent’s duty, to raise functional, decent human beings for society.
Maybe I’m just an old eighteen year old stuck in my ways. But in my day werewolves were fannies and I hated it. When I found out that they had originally been a far less dangerous yet paradoxically far more apathetic and murderous breed of creature, I realised that for the better of society the proponents of the modern emo, teen wolf movement need to be stigmatised and championed as an example of exactly how a human being should not behave. Kids these days... why can’t they just love soulless killers like they used to?

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

A Paganism Accessible in 2012

I am very open about my religious beliefs with people. That is not to say that I am not private in aspects of the way I practice my beliefs, but it is no secret to people that I follow a pagan lifestyle and pay my respects to the pagan gods. This blog post is the furthest I’ve ever gone in explaining what I really think to people about my religion. Perhaps I am being evangelical, I don’t know, but people often ask me to explain what I think at any rate and it has always been such an effort to put everything that I think into words for people so that they can understand. Perhaps in future I should just send them a link to this. At this point in writing I have nothing other than this introduction. I have no idea what the experience of baring my thoughts about this to an official record is going to be like but I have a feeling that this is going to pan out in an interesting matter.
                This is going to sound ridiculous but in a way I am at once an atheist, an agnostic and a theist. Got your attention? I should hope so. It’s certainly a bizarre enough and self contradictory sentence that you should be paying some sort of attention by now. If you are not yet then perhaps its because you have just scurried off to Wikipedia to find out what these terms mean and still haven’t entirely understood. I’ll explain this over the coming post.
                I’ll start with the question that seems to be at the heart of every religious scholar’s work. The question is the existence of God. My solution is that this question simply doesn’t matter. I’ll sound like every agnostic thinker that has ever existed and point out that there is no way for us to tell whether there is a God or otherwise. It’s a simple statement and it annoys the living hell out of me when I hear it and I never knew why until I decided to consider why it annoyed me so much. I considered that the history of religious debate is two or more parties all throwing in their two cents about whether they think a God exists. After thousands of years of this happening, still nobody is any closer at all to finding an answer. When people consider this, these men of words and wisdom decide in all their pomposity and scholarly greatness to call off the whole debate. This is moronic. They have ended the debate on grounds of it not having any chance of progression. How ridiculous. In this instance you simply look for a different attacking point. So instead of debating the existence of God, why don’t we debate God on a morality basis. But not like this is usually done, the normal ‘God and morality’ debates are ‘evil and suffering… bad things… therefore God doesn’t exist’. This is followed by the counter argument  ‘However good things… evidence and testimony… therefore God does exist!’. Just like that, once again, the argument has returned to an existence based one. Just like that, once again, Philosopher Fucknut Mc Gee and Thinker Mc Ethics-Muppet are debating until they are blue in the face. Going NOWHERE. Well that’s just dandy, is it not? So I began to look at the alternatives, and I started to consider the morality argument as a means to debate whether God would be worthy of worship if he did exist. Lets put aside his existence, after all; his mere existence is not in and of itself worthy of worship. If we can prove that God is definitely worth worshipping then that is when his existence becomes truly a matter of importance. As I am disregarding God’s existence here then it might be concluded that I am an agnostic, however this only gets more complicated here, fasten your mental seatbelts ladies and gentlemen, some turbulence is expected.
                The God I am discussing here, by the way, resembles a monotheistic, Semitic sort of God.  My reasons for doubting the existence of a God who is worth worshipping are as simple as the evil and suffering argument. Yep. Basic thus far is it not? It is just evil and suffering. The whole inconsistent triad of Epicurus too. Oh, and the Euthyphro dilemma as well. I have thus far said nothing revolutionary. Maybe you’re wondering why I have written this then. Why I think that my views are important enough to warrant readership if they are simply a reiteration of what every average joe atheist says. Also the problem with this is that some observant theist can jump in here and immediately debate these issues in the way that everyone else has debated them for centuries. This is why I don’t explain myself to people very often as by this point I’m normally cut off by a believer in religion who just has to get their point in before they’ve even heard my case. Much to my annoyance.  Anyroad, the difference between what they are saying and what I am saying is that with these issues they conclude that the existence of God is impossible. I am not saying this. I am not denying that a God who allows humans to suffer, who is necessarily either a capricious legislator or a being independent to an external morality and who has to be either be not totally loving, knowing or powerful, can exist. Maybe he can. What I am saying is that if a God like this exists then I don’t want to worship him. By these measures he is not worthwhile of my homage because he is not perfect. If he is not perfect then he is just like me – a self-centered, arrogant bigmouth. Magical. Maybe he’s a good being then, but if I worshipped all good beings then Jonah Lomu, Father Christmas and Johnny Rotten are all also Gods to me. Conceptually I’d love that to be the case purely in order to see what a temple to the Sex Pistols looks like. But in all seriousness I don’t think God is worth my time and effort. Even if he does exist. To every dickhead religious person who cut me off after having explained the Euthyphro dilemma to the person who was trying to listen to me: that was the point I was trying to get across. Wankers.
                Of course people are going to say at this point that they disagree with the actual reasons why I don’t believe in God myself, or maybe in fact they’ll accept what I’ve said but say that they still find God to be an object worthy of worship. Fine. The size of the toss that I’m not giving about what you believe is truly astounding. The point of arguing the credibility of God and not his existence is so that people can’t say that I’m wrong. They could if I was writing about why God doesn’t exist as that is a matter of debate (not ‘opinion’ as people always say, wrongly). However I have simply given an account thus far as to why I don’t believe in a perfect God. That’s not something anybody can really argue with. Though by all means try to. So now doesn’t this agnostic sound ever so slightly atheist? You might not be wrong to say that, I’m not sure that I’m in a position to say. If you notice, I have entirely disregarded belief. How can I possibly be a theist like I said?
                I’ll show you. As I have disregarded belief as a valid way of evaluating God, would it not make sense that I would try a different way of evaluating him? I think so. I have always been drawn to paganism. I think that it is possibly a cultural thing. I am a Devonian, a Brit, a European… there are lots of things you can call me determined by the place I am from. Devon, Britain and Europe are all rooted very strongly in paganism. Before the Christianisation of these places we were pagans. So there must be something about our culture and behaviour that attracts us to the way pagans behave. These myths of big, bearded men who ruled impulsively over men and cohabited our world is totally ridiculous on a scientific level. Did Zeus really make Cronus vomit out the children he had eaten, the children miraculously having survived years of being in his stomach? Is it true that Hathor danced with her sex organs on display in order to pull Ra out of a depression? Is there a Valhalla for dead warriors when they die? Absolutely not. Well, maybe. Oh hang on, yes – it doesn’t matter. That again would be a discussion of belief. Do the stories have meaning? That is a more important question, the answer for me being yes. In the stories of the ancient pagans there are always huge epic accounts of action and hyperbolic characters, but with cosmic realities woven throughout the story. These stories all have meaning, for me at least. For example the myth of Heracles killing his family in a haze and having to work for the king, doing 12 labours of ridiculous proportion is incredibly meaningful. It has endowed me with a sense of recognising that I have done wrong and that in order to correct it I must go out into the world and atone for my mistakes, with actions and not words. Would you call that a good worldview? I do certainly. I don’t believe in Heracles, but I believe in the importance of the myth. After all this is the reason these myths were told in the first place. They aren’t meant to be scientific accounts of what happened. Like children’s stories with a moral these stories have a lesson to be learned. If I looked at these as factually true stories I could also only take one culture’s paganism into my worldview e.g. Greek paganism. However as I take truth from these works of folk fiction in the form of cosmic truth it surely is valid to look at a variety of culture’s truths. One does not deny the other, which is a problem for many monotheistic thinkers. So as I accept the importance of gods in my life, does that make me a theist? If so then I am certainly a polytheist. I’m a theist who does not believe in God but sees that as irrelevant to the argument. So now you see how I am at once atheistic, theistic and agnostic all to some extent. Or maybe I’m not. I don’t really care, if the problem you have is with how those terms have been applied then I’m guessing you haven’t understood entirely what this article is getting at.
                 So I’m a pagan, and now you know why. In a world where natural disasters occur, we can clone sheep, children die of starvation, scientifically many things don’t make sense and car insurance is sold with the lure of cuddly meerkats in the very same way one might sell a happy meal, is there not an argument for saying that the pantheon of bickering, uncaring and over the top gods are more relevant than one all caring one. Regardless of whether they exist or not. So this is why I see paganism as the most accessible religion today, and am proud to consider myself a part of that belief system. Thank you for your patience in reading this.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

How to be a Hipster 101

So, young person, you’re envious of the super hip people who you’ve seen around? The self appointed intellectual determiners of what is good, fashionable, and even morally right. The ones who are in fact brave enough to be like their friends and be individual. The ones who look like they’ve been dressed by a gender confused, colourblind grandparent and have had their hair cut by a heavily-intoxicated, psychologically scarred Northerner who was attacked as a child by a fringe. Well of course you’re envious, what after all is there to not be desired about them? They get to take the moral high ground, to attempt to fit into their sister’s jeans and mother’s make up and, oh yes, they get to have that hair thing that looks like the love child of a mullet and a labradoodle.
Well luckily for you I have compiled a step by step guide to being one of these pussywhipped trendfucks like you always wanted to be. I can do without the thank you cards, so thanks but no thanks, I do like cars however.
Lets start with shoes. The only valid shoes are either Converse, skate shoes or those plimsoll things. Any form of trainers, boots or anything else is an allegiance to the oppressors in society. In an ideal situation you can say someone has touched these shoes who really matters. For example there’s this singer who you won’t have heard of, you’re too mainstream, and if he touched them that would be good. Good luck finding him. Or maybe you could get a mainstream artist like Mumford and sons and get them to touch from when back when nobody had heard them and they were just a tribute to Freddie Mercury, the Kaiser Chiefs and Mercyful Fate called ‘Kaiser King Queen’. Nowadays they’re sold out.
Moving further up the body we get to trousers. Unless you’re wearing a shirt on your legs. In which case I’m torn between wanting to tell you that you look like a twat and telling you that because you defy mainstream expectation you are an intellectual genius. But for those of us who can’t realistically be that non conformist we have to look at skinny jeans or chinos, which must also be tight fitting. The reason for this is because it shows that we are willing to conceal our repress our gender which makes us the greatest men of all. The men who want to be men are simply trying to compensate for not being men in the first place. They are secretly jealous of the indies and hipsters of society, who don’t need to try to be men because we already are. Deep down inside with all our emotions and stuff. Never let anyone tell you that skinny jeans turn you into less of a man – John Wayne wore jeans and look at him. We’re just like him really.
For the top half of your body you need a knitted jumper like ones that people wear at Christmas. Even in the sweltering heat of the summer. Its one of those sacrifices you have to make, after all the jumper is a symbol of how socially we are all knitted together and can unite and fight the powerful people and the capitalists. Don’t unravel the jumper just because its the summer. Because if you do then you unravel the people too. So even in the summer, be strong and wear the knitted jumper thing. Think of the sacrifice you’ll be making.
Follow these simple guides and you’ll soon be the superior being you always wanted to be. You can look down on fans of any music that isn’t your own, people who are dressed in any conventional or mainstream way and the entire brutality of the capitalist system where education is free and the oppressors give us freedom of speech. Sick bastards. There is after all nothing wrong in being a supremacist. We are supreme. Its totally like not ok like for any other pseudo political group to say that as they’re just one of them, man, them – the people who think what society wants them to. You can tell they aren’t supreme from what they are wearing. It is our clothes that gives us our power. Now you know how to be us, so do it and do not conform or obey.

I'm just throwing this in as a bit of an afterthought, and I'm not using the Hipster character I created in order to write this, but I think if you enjoyed this and like a nice bit of angry punk then you ought to go to youtube and search for 'Cheap Sex Fuck Emo'. The band being called 'Cheap Sex' and the song being called 'Fuck Emo', for those who think I'm trying to get them to encounter some bizarre youtube friendly porno featuring very shallow emos as the pornstars. Its a very good song and a very good band, and if you dislike these elitist social groups then you may well like the song.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Not a review of 'Abduction', but a prejudgement of it.

For a most part my posts all feature an object of my frustration and irritation. This time what have incensed me are modern action films.
I’m a die hard lover of old action films (‘die-hard’ – see what I did there *insert emoticon for sarcastic, forced, cheesey, self parodying laugh, whenever they gets invented*).  The more modern ones have some good efforts too e.g. the Bourne trilogy, however there appears to be a film coming to cinema that is going to come as close to killing the genre as could be believed possible of a fan such as I. Abduction.
This 2011 effort, for those who didn’t know, stars Taylor Lautner and is about the son of an American spy who infiltrated the Russians and acquired a list of the people in the CIA who are double agents, feeding the Russians back the information from their organisation. The rest of the plot I’ll keep to myself.
I’ll be the first to admit my ignorance here – I have not seen the film. But, and this is a crucial ‘but’, I’m not making a huge assumption in jumping to the conclusion, based on what I know of it, that it will be atrocious. Truly atrocious at that. Surprise surprise… I will now divulge my presumptions and views on the film to the faithful who haven’t stopped reading already.
So it begins...
Its 2011. The film was made this year. The cold war has been over for two long decades. Decades in which we saw the passing of Johnny Cash, Dimebag Darrell and Ronnie James Dio and the rise of Happy Hardcore, Olly Sykes and Nick Clegg. Yeah. Its been two long decades. Two long and too shit pretty well sums it up. More importantly people, its seen the coming of several entirely different wars (Iraq, Afghanistan, take your pick). So why are we still using Russians as our antagonists in our films? What would the Russians need informants in the CIA for? Why has everything turned to a colossal pile of glorious shit? These are the deep questions I am faced with internally and have tried to express in this short paragraph. It is 144 words long. That is far too few to truly convey my frustration at these items.
In the cold war I can certainly see what the appeal was in the ‘bad guy russians’. The James Bond films, Rocky IV and Red Scorpion were all good action films of this era with the antagonist Soviets. In fact I retract that statement it’s too controversial, I’ll amend it. They were not good films at all; they were fantastic films. There, that’s far less outrageous. But even the modern equivalents of these films have modernized. The recent James Bonds are not in Russia, Daniel Craig is fighting the James Bond cause against terrorists these days. As for Rocky IV and Red Scorpion – Sylvester Stallone who was in the former, and Dolph Lundgren who was in both have also adapted. Their most recent efforts were both seen in ‘The Expendables’. A modern classic of the genre, suitable for Russian antagonism allergies, though may contain traces of Somalian pirate, Latin dictators and nuts. To expand on the metaphor it is also incidentally enough of a meatfest to mortify your average vegetarian.
So frankly the Russian bashing in 2011 seems a little unfair to me. OK – they are pernickety buggers with their oil and granted, their history is best left unexplored when trying to note the positive attributes of the country. My point still stands however, that a film set in 2011 is NOT a film set in the cold war.
Of course I’m attacking an action film on the basis of its plot and story. Its probably something similar to attacking an idea based on blind faith such as creationism with the means of argument based entirely outside of faith and entirely on empiricism, i.e. logic. I.e. its missing the point of the former and the former of course cracks under the duress of the attack. So let me use this as mere food for thoughtful criticism and not the entire argument.
Most of my argument is going to be based on Taylor Lautner’s placement in this film. No it isn’t, correction, its going to be based on his misplacement in this film. Its an action film by its own admission, this I can accept. There is a film that wants some skinny, sex icon to star in it, this is also not something I dispute. The placing of these two precepts together is where I have my beef. Action stars are the realm of the big, the bad and the ugly. Lautner weighs 70 kilos. To put that in perspective – Stallone weighs 97, Schwarzenegger weighed 110 in his prime and Bruce Lee used to break 70 kilo punchbags with a side kick. I think someone who looked like the ripped musclehead guy in Twilight has gone from being the biggest fish in the smallest pond to the smallest fish in the biggest ocean.
Isn’t it enough that the guy honed his trade in the Twilight saga to know that he is not right for the role in an action film? If I put aside my personal view of the films in his filmography for a second and do not decry his credibility as a perfomer, I still think my point is valid that he ought not be making a film in a genre in which he is so clearly unsuited.  Or perhaps we should overlook his past and see that he is trying to form a new career in manly films. After all who can forget the angsty teenage film that Dolph Lundgren and Jean Claude Van Damme boosted their careers with ‘Universal Soldiers’... the one with all the sparkling vampires... and all the scene kids... and all the crappy angst riddled sections layered on like proverbial intellectual concrete. Hahaha yeah they were different in their emo phases old Dolph and Jean Claude... oh wait...
Nothing else on his CV is jumping off the page at me that makes me think he’s prime choice to be hired for an action role. There was ‘Valentines Day’... more drivel. So yes. There is a traditional French phrase that sums up Taylor Lautner in ‘Abduction’, which translates as ‘as misplaced as a feather on a pig tail’.
Action films are not for the milkblooded. Whatever you think of them. Regardless of your view of Twilight. Entirely irrespective of your opinion of Lautner. Lets hope that the planned ‘The Expendables 2’ is a hell of a lot better than Abduction will be. Perhaps this rant was excessive, but they started this war, they drew first blood, not me.  I look at the cast of the film and I all I can think is ‘I must break you’. I haven’t said all I wished to say but I was trying to pre-empt another page long marathon, which is perhaps futile as all I want to do is say to Lautner ‘I will find you. And I will kill you.’.  This is the end of my rant until next time, when I’ll be back. (Say goodnight, asshole) Ok goodnight people.

Amockalypse Now.

May 21st 1988, September 6th 1994, May 21st 2011, October 21st 2011, and December 21st 2012. Those more versed in the ins and outs of religious insanity will know what these dates all have in common; that they are all dates on which the end of the world was predicted. Some of you may know that four of these were predicted by the same man, Harold Camping, and you may even know that it’s the 4 that have already passed without the world ending.
                I am not going to write an article set to prove that the world will not end when these religiously misled people claim it will, of course as I am inhibited by a failure to time travel I cannot say when the world will end or when it won’t. I want to attempt to explain however why Mr. Camping might have been able to convince people on a fourth occasion to fund his message with thousands of dollars.
                My explanation for people being convinced by Camping is based on an amalgamation of two factors:
  • We are aware of our mortality as a species
  • We are fascinated by the extreme

Our awareness as a species that as living, breathing organisms we must die, is part of what I would argue has fuelled end-time paranoia and rapture obsession for thousands of years. Very few species are aware of their mortality as we are. One of the notable exceptions to this rule being thought to be Elephants.
Elephants are observed in the wild to dedicate specific sites to the deceased, these being called ‘Elephant graveyards’. Elephants will visit these graveyards and, like us humans, show their respects with silence and solemnity. Whilst, as of yet, no Elephants have predicted the apocalypse (though give it time), they are one of the only other species on the planet thought by some theorists to follow religious behavior patterns. Thus there exists a necessary correlation between religion and mortal awareness. Desmond Morris argues that the burden of the awareness of mortality fuels the entirety of religious belief, and would it not make sense that a mind that is a contemplation cocktail of death and religion might be led into ideas about rapture easily?
Our attraction to extremity is the other factor, I would argue, that has aided Camping in converting so many people to his ideas. Consider our media, on the news programs the headline story is always the most extreme, because that is what will interest people the most. Its an obvious observation, but it provides an explanation as to how Camping in not a 90 year old man on the streets shouting some crazed theory to only a few people, but being broadcast to nations that should really know better than to give him any viewing time. His story gets much more distribution by being extreme, and perhaps to the viewing population indoctrinated in a belief of ‘television infallibility’ will lap up such a story merely by being on television. A crazy man on the streets has no such infallibility.
In the time of St. Paul end time was predicted. That was nearly 2000 years ago. Considering the amount of predictions since then have been wrong, the very few that remain to be seen, be they those of Nostradamus, the Mayans or any Church sect you might care to name, are of very little consideration in my mind. I know I’m going to die one day, no it doesn’t scare me and no it doesn’t make any (yes I’m going to say it -) moronic idea that the world will end any more credible. General Public; get a grip, The Church; stop, Harold Camping; give up, you’re wrong. See you all in 2013.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Ranting on the X Factor

Now…  If I were to sit down and pick through every single article of my objection to, and every single reason as to why I hold ‘talent shows’ e.g. Britain’s Got Talent in absolute contempt, then my newest rant would span beyond the capacity of the internet to withhold on a website like 'blogger.com'. So this is a very toned down and less example driven commentary on these shows. Intro over – I am bursting to get to the point:
(In the interest of simplicity I’ll only criticize The X Factor here, however the endless reality show drivel can also be criticized by many of the same virtues with which I criticise The X Factor here)
The exception to these forms of entertainment that I take can be classified into several categories:
-          Their prescriptive, mainstream based outlook on music.
-          Their failure to put contestants into the music industry who do anything to make a significant difference.
-          Their bias in judgement.
-          The demographic of the general viewer.

So, to begin with my first point about how the judges, and perhaps authorities behind the show, are prescriptive with their view; with judges like Cowell and Barlow (still the others but more so the ones like these two) who dish out insults to contestants frequently, there is a feeling that they are these great legislators of definitive and unquestionable musical truth. It wouldn’t matter if Mozart and Wagner were the judges, one cannot take music (specific instances of energy released by aurally noticeable vibration) and make it an absolute. Just the mere concept of a certain noise being better than another noise because of something that it is on a superficial and unfamiliar level is arguably a bizarre one. Admittedly, with regard to musical capabilities, the judge of a music based show being someone like Louis Walsh as opposed to an unquestionably skilled musician like Beethoven* adds to the hypocrisy of the whole aspect of the show being based on a legislative evaluator. There must be someone other than myself who gets annoyed when week in and week out there is some Judge who is a glossy ex member of a boy band or some other nauseating creation of money driven music telling people who come on that they can’t sing. Its quite besides the point, but is it not true that many people who are successful in the music industry as vocalists cannot sing as such. However lest not dwell on the prescriptive nature of the show – it isn’t my main criticism of it as such.

This is the main objection: What defines a generation musically speaking is the original music that comes out in that generation. Modern music is defined by the Contemporary R’n’B and Hip-Hop that is popular at the moment. Anything that is in the charts will make my point, I would speak about specific artists but I am not what you might call an avid follower of chart stuff so I apologise for the lack of substance here. This is what my criticism of their failure to put contributing musicians into a forward looking music industry comes in. Ok lets be honest; The X Factor is a glorified Karaoke – for all intents and purposes. Contestants get up and cover a song... then leave again. So the end product, after a long contest, is that the nation knows who is most effective at learning to be able play someone elses song smoothly after a weeks preparation. Absolutely brilliant... if we want an industry driven entirely by cover artists. It strikes me that the shows aim is to render their contestants into the best musical based form of tracing paper possible. If it is agreed that the people who are going to make a difference in the music industry are those who play original songs, or who at least play covers in an entirely different and newly meaningful format than the originals, then surely it is also agreed that the proverbial human music tracing paper that are generated by the show are not going to be the individuals who define the generation and who make masses of impact on the scene altogether. I may be the only person out there thinking this, but I certainly think that a show that seems to be attempting to give something to the music industry rather than a one night stand type of entertainment to the public in the format of the running of the show, ought to be trying to generate contestants with their own ideas and musical visions. In the pre show interviews I am struck by the amount of people all saying their motivation for embarrassing themselves on national television is for the potential fame the show brings. If for once someone with a new idea of their own came on the show it would be refreshing. If the show wouldn’t chew them up and spit them out in the mainstream machine *cogs spinning, money making, people burning* manner in which it would, then it would nurture some real musicians for the public. To back up my point just think of how many successful musicians have come from X Factor compared to the amount of series. Listing all those I can think of off the top of my head there are 6 (Cher, Jedward, Leonna Lewis, JLS, Alexandra Burke, Matt Carlisle)... I may have missed a few, but still the show hasn’t bred that many true super stars, and in fact the amount of people who go through the show seemingly successfully and come out doing nothing are unbelievable. Just 4 people for you to dwell on the careers of who illustrate that point – Shane Ward, Steve Brookstein, Leon Jackson and Joe McElderry. Those are ALL winners of the show. If the show had forced them to generate a really revolutionary idea that nobody else was doing musically speaking, then they would at least have had memorable careers outside of reality television.

Onwards – the musical bias section... Louis Walsh. I almost only have to say his name and some people will know exactly what I mean. Watch his silly face every time an Irish person comes on the show. It lights up like a Christmas tree... on Prozac... getting a handjob. Honestly – that would like me hailing the talent of anyone going on the show who spoke like a member of Adge Cutler and the Wurzels (although having said that, The Wurzels would truly be refreshment amongst the tiresome love song crooning of the average contestant).  So the shows are fundamentally unfair, on top of every other allegation I’ve brought before it. If we accept for a second that a supposed ‘music based show’ being diametrically opposed to the originality that benefits the industry is an entirely valid concept, then could it not at least be fair in its assessment? Ok put Louis Walsh and his national pride to one side for a second... Have you noticed the instances of what I call ‘pity qualification’? Pity qualification being when a contestant comes on with a suitably whiny, tearful backstory, and the nation holds it breath, watch them belt out some words that are nothing special in a nothing special way, and then all applaud the effort. Its as if we could all win the X factor if we had the audacity to actually let something go wrong in our perfect, straight teeth, unscarred, Clearasil, plastic, tacky, Californian beach hut, sunny lives, in which the unicorns are housetrained and there is always a rainbow in the sky of haribo dolly mix. As sorry as I am that their lives have been blemished in some way, that hasn’t turned them into B.B. King overnight. If the contest was fair I’d feel far less resentment towards it. I’m going to return to Louis now to elaborate on a slightly different tangent about the Irish point. The Irish as a nation are highly proud, they get behind Irish athletes, support Irish politicians... and Ooh, guess what? – They vote for Irish singers. Call me a conspiracy theorist if you like, but it would make sense that ITV would see the benefit in having Irish people competing. It keeps their phone lines ticking and also therefore their bank balances expanding. So I think Louis’s inclusion on the show is based on more than his ability to manage bands. In fact I think their thinking can be understood by this simple diagram:

Louis Walsh = Irish contestants competing > Irish contestants = Irish voters > Irish voters = money

This point is pretty isolated from this rant in a way, but its still based on the same frustrating sentiment that the show is money obsessed at the sufferance of the actual music.

At last I come to the demographic of the general viewer. This is more a conclusive point if I’m honest. The viewer supports all of this. The money hunger, the destruction of the musical industry, the putting of pop music and pop musicians on a pedestal of oh great musical judgement – none of this could be done without them. I don’t propose a boycott... or a strike... or any other moronic Totnes type idea that could be formulating in my head. If it was 50% more ‘total-prat’, that is. I am not surprised that the concept of The X Factor was ever conceived, perhaps I am not surprised either that the people have followed it. After all, there are always those who can’t put sob stories to one side and make an unbiased decision, there are always those who are going to have a snobby absolutist view of pop music and there are always the Irish who vote Irish. It still saddens me nonetheless.

I can only beg two things – 1) To all talent singers saying you want to go on X Factor; DON’T. You’ll become a cover artist and never have a career. If you really are talented then pursue a career and get noticed. When you do get noticed, don’t let them tell you how to do your stuff either. When music becomes compromise it becomes The X Factor. And 2) To Simon Cowell; read this rant. Make the snide remarks if you wish, but the facts are here in this rant. Stick that in your sweet pipe and smoke it my dear. Doesn’t it taste just great?

*For all you clever-wever, notey-wotey taking, observant leftists: I have not just gone back on myself – Beethoven’s skill level in arranging specific instances of energy released by aurally noticeable vibration IS unquestionable. Even if you don’t like it. I’m sure even that you don’t. To become a good a composer as he was takes immense skill. Its not like his pieces are based on 3 major chords. To illustrate my point I’ll use 2 examples – Sid Vicious, a poor bassist technicality and skill wise, regardless of how much you do or do not like his music – The members of Dream Theatre, all have great musical skill levels but again how good the music is remains a matter of debate. Seriously; just one comment telling me this bit is me contradicting myself and I’ll lose all remaining faith in humanity. Outside of what I expect from the trolls of course.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Self Preservation through means of becoming Qualified: The Secret to my ‘B’ at A Level Literature

Qualifications. Our careers, our future and, whilst we are at school, our entire lives all revolve around them. If they are good; they are our passport to a career we can choose ourselves, however if they are bad; they are the inhibition that drives us to any career we can get.
                A fair assumption to make then is that, however one might feel about the worthiness or validity of qualifications, (a matter I may get a chance to investigate in a more appropriate article) life is far easier when one has them. This is why some find the acquisition of these to be of desperate importance and will research the curriculum, criteria and mark scheme to the Nth degree in the hope that their work will reward them with a brighter future.
                So perhaps some will find it of interest to read how I managed to achieve a ‘B’ at A level in aid of their research towards their own grades. This is a piece of work by Terence Butler;

Planet Caravan

We sailed through endless skies
Stars shine like eyes
The black night sighs
The moon in silver trees
Falls down in tears

Light of the night
The earth, a purple blaze
Of sapphire haze in orbital ways

While down below the trees
Bathed in cool breeze
Silver starlight breaks dawn from night
And so we pass on by
The crimson eye of great god Mars
As we travel the universe

And this is how an A level grade B student analyses it, so you can see how it is done, my analysis is in italics:

Planet Caravan

We sailed through endless skies
The skies are traditionally the home of the god, God, or any kind of deity. The terms ‘endless’ and ‘sailing’, suggest a universal peace at the heart of religion.
Stars shine like eyes
To continue with the religious theme, Butler adds to the sense of the omniscience in the deities he aims to outline in this work, by likening the ’heaven’ to something with eyes.
The black night sighs
By specifying the ‘black’ night, Butler might be drawing an allusion to evil, and it sighing shows the generous repression of it by the deities here.
The moon in silver trees
These are also further religious references, Celine was the Greek goddess of the moon so the moon has always had a link to religion, and many of the ancient european pagans believed that the heavens were held in place by the trees. Trees were also used in pagan practise in England.
Falls down in tears
This leads Butler onto the next stanza which is anti religious.

Light of the night
Lucifer was, the Roman God of light before being incorporated into the Christian philosophies. But by referring to Lucifer in terms such as light, gives the impression to readers of today that he is enlightened > directly criticising religion.
The earth, a purple blaze
Remaining on the Roman theme Butler uses the term purple, which in Rome was the colour of the robes of the higher classes. This likens the religious world to a classist, money based ‘blaze’, which is also not a positive term.
Of sapphire haze in orbital ways
Sapphire is a precious stone, used often in trade and beautification, this suggests that religion is quantifiable and entirely image based.

While down below the trees
This returns the reader from the anti religious realms to a religious earth (remember how trees are likened to religion on earth)
Bathed in cool breeze
The coolness suggests a coldness towards religion of some men, like atheists. It is an attack on Athiesm.
Silver starlight breaks dawn from night
Dawn has its associations with knowledge and enlightenment. Which reflects the arrogant atheist attitude.
And so we pass on by
This line probably reflects the ignorance and dismissal of everything other than one train of thought inmost circles of atheism.
The crimson eye of great god Mars
Mars was the Roman god of war, which reflects a very basic argument that non believers put forward that religion only causes war.
As we travel the universe
The simplicity of this sentence reflects Butler’s scorn for them, it also suggests the atheist has to continue searching as he has not found the real answer. It might also have implications of a restless death and perhaps an eternal punishment therefore on God’s behalf.

                So to conclude; the poem is at first pro religion... then anti religion... then anti atheist... wait a second. Exactly. It isn’t any of these at all. In fact it’s not even a poem and Terence Butler isn’t even a poet. He is the bassist of Black Sabbath, GZR, and Heaven and Hell, and these are the lyrics to the Black Sabbath song ‘Planet Caravan’ (the idea to use Ozzy Osbourne lyrics and analyse them came from a remark my tutor made that wasn't meant to be taken seriously, however I have found a context in which analysis of them is actually useful to my point).
                But these arguments got me points at A level. I would read the poem and the first thing that came to my head I would continue to argue for the rest of the poem. The reason I made it jump from one idea to another twice was to demonstrate the falsity of an A level answer. In my first year I made more contributions in class than perhaps 90% of people there, in the final year I went quiet during these lessons. I think the teachers assumed I preferred first year Duffy to second year Donne. First of all, nothing could be further from the truth, and secondly it wasn’t that at all, I love literature. My silence was in disillusionment. It was too easy to do no work and to contrive an answer on the poetry sections. Granted, the A* and A students didn’t just make things up on the spot, and that’s why they got higher grades probably. But two years of talking bull certainly doesn’t justify a B grade. My work level was poor, I should have been an F student for what I did.
                But hey ho. We all need grades in this qualification and certificate obsessed society, and here is how to get them. You talk bull for two years, take your B in literature, and give the education system the two fingers in the process. At least that’s what I did. Maybe the fools even thought I was saying something valid everytime I contorted someone elses words to fit feminism, Marxism, or any other ‘ism’ I happened t be working with that day. Well this is from me to whichever of these you are – The people designing these literature courses;  make it harder for blaggers who don’t deserve easy grades to score highly and to the average lit student; be a blagger, get easy grades and score highly until the system presents you with a challenge. You have to cash in on these things in the world, even if they’re not right – its self preservation through means of becoming qualified.